Am I Truly Afraid to be Happy?

A baby

Finally some time to stop and think (scary). Actually I almost did that towards the end of my final examinations of the previous semester, but I didn't. Probably to save myself from realizing how pathetic or despicable I have become after mindlessly spending 6 months away, numbing myself with daily routines and temporary pleasures. Therefore it is painful and scary to honestly stop and mull over your life as a whole. You might surprise yourself how much you've changed through the course of the years, or you might put a smile on your own face when you realize that the little uncounted things in life are actually blessings, often in disguises.

Henceforth comes the question - am I truly afraid to be happy? Such a queer question to ask is it not? I mean, who here doesn't want to be happy? That person must be out of his/her right mind, right? Right.

But seriously, when I posed that question to myself, I became hesitant to answer. It's not like I have been uptight ever since I was a baby (have I?), but I think that the word that comes to mind when people describe me is reserved, or somewhat distant, other than quiet, that is, or polite, or cute ;)

Tell me, don't you find it unnerving by being truly happy? Can you really live as though there are no worries to life, as if at the next turn of the road, you won't lose your legs, or the next morning you'll lose the ability to move your own body? Can you really smile and laugh and rejoice without cares about your past, present and future?

With all that in mind, it makes sense to live in sweet surrender. Acknowledging that there is someone, or something that is greater than ourselves, that is greater than life, that is greater than all creation! Yes, with this train of thought it is impossible not to arrive at the conclusion that there is a Great Creator through whom all things we see and do not see are somehow, created. Some of us call this being God, and some of us call this being by other names, while some still try to seek meaning solely from creation itself.

I am truly blessed to know that there is someone that I can go to with all my brokenness and vices, where in weakness I am made strong, shortcomings turned into virtues, sinner into saint.

Thus shall I continue to live, in sweet surrender, completely accepting that there is nothing that last in this world, that there are so few that I can control, that there are undeniable risks in no matter what I do. To live life to the very fullest, each and every day, to search for the ultimate truth while tending to reality, isn't that what it means to be truly human?

So, am I truly afraid to be happy? What does it mean to be truly human? What is the meaning to life? Perhaps the answer cannot be found at the end of our journey alone, but in the context of the process of our whole journey can the answer take on a meaning.

I will come to you in the silence
I will lift you from all your fear
You will hear My voice
I claim you as My choice
Be still, and know I am near